resolutions

i’ve derailed. my life is really stressful right now, and i can’t keep anything together. i don’t want to diet or cook or eat healthy or count points or exercise. i don’t want to work or go to dance classes or write stories or play video games or any of the things that i normally enjoy. 

i’m really upset and annoyed and sad all the time, and all i want to do is sleep. 

so i’m on a pause. i’m going to eat whatever i want, and i don’t care. i will try to make up for it later.

i am sure, if this mood continues, that my doc is going to put me back on medication, and maybe that will help me get back into the mood to diet and do things.

but for now, i don’t really care that i don’t really care about my weight. for now, i’m just trying to make it through the days.

so, i apologize for a lack of posting or positive things to say…

-a

Down 2.4 more lbs for a total loss of 18.2lbs. Adding another dance class on Saturday (I think). Also going to start trying to incorporate gym time by swimming laps on my off days. Now I just need to start doing sit ups, and I will be on the right track. I fucking hate sit ups.

-e

A little late in posting, but here it is. This week’s weigh in was pretty meh. I gained .4 lbs, but honestly I don’t even care. Why? Because my dance classes are getting easier, my clothes are getting baggier, and I feel great.

Case in point: Last night I packed my least favorite pair of shorts for dance because they are so tight at the thighs. When I pulled them on they were flapping. Confused, I assumed that maybe I forgot to wash them and they were stretched out? Answer- nope! They were washed. My thigh muscles have just gained that much more definition.

I’m officially down a size in jeans, my winter coat is very loose, and my tee shirts are getting baggy. I really don’t care if the scale isn’t going down right now, because I know that all the work I am doing at the barre is helping me to gain muscle and get more toned.

Next up- sit ups. I need to do more core work, which I hate with a fiery passion. But it has to happen. I might also look into picking up another dance class. Right now I’m at 4.5 hours of class per week. (three 90 minute classes per week). I would eventually like to be up to 10 hours of class per week if I can find the time. Key word there is time.

Is it bad that my dance classes are more fulfilling than my career?

-e

I’m having a week. And based on our g-chats, A is having even more of a week. For me, it is one of those weeks where I am so burnt out from work, lack of sleep, and general apathy, that I really just don’t give a crap. It is one of those weeks that weight watchers invented points plus for- so people can’t eat a bunch of crap and use the excuse: hey! It doesn’t count because it is under my points limit!! Very few veggies, insanely strange food combinations, and I just ate a doughnut. AND breakfast.

I missed dance Tuesday night because the city was gridlocked in traffic and I wasn’t prepared to go directly to class. Then it was valentines day, so I drank and ate shitty food.

I was going to go to a make up class yesterday, but instead opted to watch my DVR’d 2-part Downton Abbey- because hey! Spanish flu just hit and I needed to know what happened.

So basically, I’m just looking forward to the long weekend. It is my mother’s bday which means family dinner out (fancy), then M and I have plans with  to rent Breaking Dawn and mock it (not fancy, but so, so much fun!), and just chill out.

Oh! And I bought red Toms and they are THE MOST COMFORTABLE SHOES I HAVE EVER OWNED.

Thats about it.

-e

Okay. Weigh in day. I didn’t blog last week, because it was a total fail, and I actually gained 2lbs. BUT- I started taking dance with A, and am now up to three classes per week. I also have been taking public transportation so lots of walking. I was originally very frustrated, because while I needed to go out and buy new jeans because my old ones fell off, the number on the scale wasn’t moving.

Fast forward to this morning- I’m down 4lbs for a total weight loss of 16.2lbs! I feel good, people are noticing and my legs feel more toned from dance. Best of all? I went out drinking and dancing this weekend, and still managed to lose weight. Bliss.

Onward and downward!

-e

someof my co-workers and my boss are also on weight watchers, and they talk about it incessantly. it’s driving me effing crazy.

i can understand that since 4 people on a staff of about 10 are on the plan, it would be a topic of conversation. maybe we should trade tips…. but the level it’s at right now is inappropriate. my boss judges everyone constantly for what they eat or don’t eat.

a customer brought us donuts one morning, and any single person who approached the box to eat one (whether they are on ww or not) was met with a tirade of, “do you know how bad those are for you?” and “omg, how many points is THAT?”

now, i’ve been on ww the longest of the group, so yes, actually, i DO know how many points it is. and if i haven’t eaten breakfast or lunch because i am busy working, then having an 8 point donut is fine. the entire point of weight watchers is that you get to choose what you want to eat, and sometimes that means splurging!

they are all completely ruining it for me. i have completely slowed, if not stopped losing weight. i don’t track anything i eat anymore, which is 90% of the point of weight watchers. i also don’t care if/when i splurge because 9 times out of 10 my coworkers have pissed me off talking about it.

part of the problem is that most of what they talk about is SO WRONG. or stupid.

coworker: how do you measure ice cream? like how do i figure out how much is a serving?
me: um, read the label and use a measuring cup? 

i just…. can’t deal with them. and it’s throwing me off. 

i’ve lost 29.6 pounds and i CANNOT STOP NOW. e and i have a “reunion” of sorts in may. i am going to see a lot of people i haven’t seen in a long time. one of whom i hate. so i have to look good. i have to feel confident. 

the good news is that we’ve started taking ballet classes on the regular now. i need to add in some aerobic exercise, but just the act of going to class is a kind of dedication i haven’t had in a while.

Grumble grumble fat day grumble. 

Weigh in day, and I am down 2.4 lbs for a total weight loss of 14.6 otherwise known as 5% of my total body weight. Clearly, I need to check my attitude and adjust some expectations, because I’m not pleased. I have no reason to not be, I’ve just gone suddenly emo.

OKAY. Fresh mindset. Lost weight. Going to ballet classes this week. ANNND GO.

-e

ps to a: I kind of like keeping it 2011- I mean, we completely failed at 2011, so why not? haha.

oooh, i weighed myself, and i went down, which is TRIumphant. i’m up to a total loss of 29.2 pounds. i’m trying not to get down on myself for taking some time off of being strictly on weight watchers and being really weight-conscious all the time. it’s hard not to think that if i had kept up with everything through Christmas until now, I would have lost so much more weight. 

on the other hand, taking a break and slowing down a little, only to pick it back up again seemed like a natural rhythm, and it made it feel like, in general, eating healthy and well could be a lifelong habit.

idk. i guess i should just be happy that at least the number on the scale is going in the right direction. i weighed 190.8 last night, and if i kick it up a notch this week, i could be in the 180s by this time next week. and holy fuck, that would be awesome.

the plan is to start taking dance classes. i have my eye on zumba. i also want to start going out dancing, like a clubs. e and i used to go out all the time and sweat our asses off dancing at clubs… and that was when i weighed the least, sweat the most, and had the most fun. i liked getting dressed up and feeling confident and all that.

just a progress report!

-a

ps should we change the blog url to mission2012? i feel like this mission must be continued….

i was going strong until the holidays, after which so many aspects of my life went straight into the gutter. my apartment is a mess, there are a ton of errands that need to get done, my bank account is in pathetic shape, work is a drama factory, and so on. 

needless to day, my weight loss has stalled, and i’ve gained back almost 3 pounds. still, i’ve lost 22 pounds total and have gone from a an 18 to a 16 (sometimes 14!). it’s good progress, but i hate feeling stagnant and like i am kind of stuck and not moving forward. at the same time, i feel like i’m bearing a lot of life-weight on my shoulders, and most days i just don’t want to deal with cooking and “tracking” foods on weight watchers. 

within the next couple of days, i plan to buy about a hundred smart ones and lean cuisines and just depend on those until i can get out of this funk and handle all my other life stuff. 

i want to go to dance classes and yoga and zumba and join a gym and go swimming and running and all that, but i really just don’t seem to have the emotional energy to do any of that. i feel so drained.

i guess all i an do is keep on trucking, right?

-a

I am officially down 12.2 lbs after this week’s 5.4 lb loss. And I couldn’t be more excited!!

-e

Just a quick check in. Down 2 more pounds which brings me back to a total of 6.2lbs lost. While it wasn’t exactly a banner week, it was a huge step towards getting back into the swing of things. Next up: actually taking the train to work and getting some exercise. Oh, and using fewer of my weekly extra points. Thank god for those last week.

-e